I know we all go, but bodily functions weren’t something I discussed pre-pregnancy. I’d wait until Mr. T left the house before I’d do a No. 2 because I didn’t want him to connect me and poo.

I know, I have issues.

That’s why one pregnancy side effect was particularly hard for me to handle.

I was gassy. Always gassy. Chewing Gas-X like Chiclets gassy. For some women, it’s an inconvenience that only lasts through the first trimester. The people around me had to suffer from beginning to delivery.

And, God help me, the toots weren’t silent and they weren’t odorless. No matter what I ate, they always smelled like roadkill. (TMI? Maybe. OK, probably. But if I can’t tell you, who can I tell?)

Bedtime was always the worst time. It was common for a fart to wake me up. The embarrassment would make me tingle from the roots of my hair down to my toes. I’d keep my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep and hoping Mr. T was too far into dreamland to have heard it — or to have felt the bed shake.

I was always afraid of what it smelled like behind me — at the grocery store, the bank, and at work. I don’t know if I would have survived a co-worker walking through a toot cloud.

But God bless those people. If they ever got a nose full of funk, they kept quiet about it.

What could I have done to spare myself the embarrassment (and my coworkers the stench)? According to babycenter.com, I could — and should — have started with changing my diet. My favorite pregnancy meal was a glorified grilled cheese sandwich, and since I was vegan before conceiving, the dairy probably wreaked havoc on my digestive system. 

Other tips to suppress gas include:

• Avoiding carbonated drinks.
• Wearing loose-fitting clothes that don’t constrict your stomach.
• Not chewing gum or suck on hard candy.
• Moving — you need to kick your sluggish digestive tract into gear.
• Trying to relieve constipation — it can add to gas and a feeling of bloating.

For me, the saving grace was that I knew I wasn’t alone. The March of Dimes says most preggos experience gas and bloating at some point. It’s pretty much par for the course.

And once my daughter was born, the gas vanished. I’ve since regained control of my sphincter.

Thank goodness for the miracle of birth.