Today is the big day! Have you picked up a Mother’s Day gift for the special new mama in your life?

No?

You’re quickly running out of time, but plenty of businesses have sent out gift guides that can help.

Some, unfortunately, are less helpful than others.

I won’t name company names. I’ll just tell you that the following recommended items, if purchased, could land you in the doghouse.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Gifts under $25

Back scratcher

I understand having to shop on a budget. We live on a budget. But I would honest to goodness rip Mr. T a new one if I woke up tomorrow to a back scratcher. Not only because it’s a back scratcher but because, well, it’s a back scratcher.

(Maybe I sound snobby, but seriously. Seriously. A back scratcher? Who thought to add that to a Mother’s Day gift guide?)

If your budget is $25 or less, think outside the box.

You could do chocolates and flowers, or breakfast in bed (just don’t leave the cleanup for her to do.)

But do you know what every new mom wants?

Sleep.

And guess what it’ll cost you?

Free-99.

Offer the lady in your life the day — or better yet, all of next weekend — to sleep in. If she breastfeeds, take Little One for an hour or two after she’s done so Mom can get some rest.

She might feel guilty about taking you up on the offer, but I can’t imagine she won’t accept it.

And since the gift is so inexpensive, give her the breakfast, candy, and flowers, too.

Gifts under $50

Cellulite or skin-firming cream

Don’t. Just don’t.

If you’re buying this because she keeps saying things like, “I’m so flabby,” “I really need to tone up,” or “I can’t believe this is my body,” you’re stepping on a landmine.

This mama doesn’t need you to not-so-subtly agree that she’s out of shape. She needs something to make her feel as awesome as she is. She needs a pick-me-up.

(She needs to stop with the put-downs, but that’s another post for another day.)

Consider getting her a massage. It won’t change how her body looks (which is probably fine) or how she sees it, but it’ll change how she feels, and that’s a great place to start.

Groupon and LivingSocial usually have amazing deals on spa packages, especially around this holiday. Yes, you’ll have to do some research to make sure the facility you choose isn’t a flop, but isn’t she worth the work?

(Keep in mind that you waited until the last second to shop, so it’s probably too late to book an appointment for tomorrow.)

If she isn’t the type to go for a rubdown, she might appreciate a bath bomb set. What could be better than a luxurious soak in a wonderfully fragrant bath?

That soak combined with an hour afterward without Little One.

Gifts around $100 (or more)

Deluxe Wisconsin cheese and sausage gift pack

This would be … an interesting choice.

Maybe she’s a sucker for a cheese and charcuterie board. Maybe she lives for dairy from the Badger State.

Or maybe you should consider other options.

There’s a lot you could do with $100. Think jewelry or perfume. Think technology. Think concert tickets. Think a night of wining and dining without Little One.

Don’t think about cheese and sausage wrapped in cellophane.

Once you’ve reached this price point (or beyond), you really have to try to screw up.

You can do this. I know you can.

Just stay away from cheese trays.